If you want real life family drama with blood, sweat and tears then you just need to experience a Defence posting season!
Adapted from Aunty-Jay Army Wife
RECEIVE a posting order to a place you’ve never imagined living and where you don’t know a single soul. Take 24 hours for it to sink in before you start the process of relocating your entire life across the country. T minus 6 months til D-day.
JOIN a Defence partners group on Facebook in your intended posting location and begin asking for the good, bad and the ugly of your new posting. Suss out suburbs, schools, childcare.
LOGON to Homefind (Defence’s HIGHLY inferior version of realestate.com) to see exactly ONE house available, in the suburb everyone on Facebook told you to avoid like the plague.
REFRESH Homefind daily, hourly, minutely at all times of day and night. Post in the FB group for people to put their paperwork in asap so their homes can show up. Never mind that they might be a different entitlement or family structure to you. Desperation is not about the details.
DECIDE to go through everything you own one room at a time. Sorting everything into piles; donate, throwaway, sell and move.
START listing stuff on Facebook and Gumtree. Get fed up with people wanting more photos, measurements and haggling. Block them all. List some things for free and donate the rest.
ASK your partner repeatedly to make a tip run, remind him about 20 times over the next six months. Move these items from the spare room into the hallway where he can trip over them as a daily prompt. After completely nailing himself, he finally goes.
UPDATE your inventory. Ask yourself how you managed to amass so much shit in such a short time. Carry out your walk through inspection with your Rep and try not to cry / break into a rage for everything they say they cannot take for whatever ridiculous reason.
OFFLOAD all your opened pantry items, half empty bags of frozen peas, pot-plants, cleaning products, paint and anything else prohibited for removal. Drink ALL the booze.
CONTACT all schools in 5 different suburbs. Request registration forms and info booklets. Pay registration fees for top 3 schools.
REJOICE at logging in and finding one suitable house. Call, text and PM your partner. Doesn’t pick up. House is gone by teh time he calls back. Only three more weeks til uplift, shit is getting real.
RESIGN from your job. Lose all your entitlements. Do not pass GO and do not collect $200.
FIGHT with your partner about every little thing and hate yourself for even contemplating going MWDU (married with dependents unaccompanied). It’s all just too damn hard at this point.
MEET and greet your Rep for your pre-vacation inspection. Get pinged for stuff that’s been wrong with the house for the entire period you’ve lived in it.
STRESS about being imminently homeless. Wake up intermittently to refresh Homefind. Find a house at 03:58am. OMG it’s got four bedrooms and you’re only entitled to three! Wake your partner to have a look. Lock it in at 04:02am. Feel relieved, have make-up sex and the best sleep you’ve had in five months.
CONTACT all schools in the new area. Re-request admission and application forms, re-register kids, re-pay registration fees. Forfeit previous registration fees.
BOOK an uplift date. It will take 3-4 weeks for your all your stuff to arrive and longer over Christmas. You are entitled to accommodation for that entire time but only 2 days at your current location even though it’s substantially cheaper than your new location. Wonder why the fu*k that rule exists.
PLAN a multitude of ‘final’ goodbyes and coffee dates that sees you having more farewell tours than John Farnham.
ORGANISE the disconnection and reconnection of your utilities. Get rejected for disconnection because your account is in your partner’s name. Plead, explain, beg the provider to work with you as they are out field (yes weeks before moving, thanks a fu*king lot). Get rejected due to privacy laws. Arrive in locality, discover utilities are connected and have no idea who your provider is.
ARRIVE in location. You don’t yet have access but drive past and peer through the Venetian blinds. Discover you have no front yard, no backyard, no side yard, no shed and street light beaming directly into your bedroom.
UNDERGO a ‘welcome visit.’ Find out your house has been vacant for six months, there’s a bunch of maintenance needed, your lawn is dead, your hedges are sky high, you can’t get NBN, oh, and you have no ensuite. Your house is the fish John West and every body else rejected.
PREPARE mentally and emotionally for down-lift day and the ensuing damage to your belongings that have occurred during your removal.
DISCOVER your furniture doesn't fit in your new housing configuration. Think about throwing everything away. Like, Every. Single. Thing. Drive off in search of coffee.
MAKE plans to discard all your rubbish. Discover your local council tip fees are three times what they were interstate.
NOTICE your bin was packed complete with rubbish. Realise you’ve broken all laws regarding transporting fruit & vegetable scraps interstate. Cross your fingers and hope you haven’t introduced a new species of banana freckle or fruit fly to the area.
CONTINUE living your life as best you can, knowing you have about 18 months before you start the process all over again.